Tag Archives: Politics
My Name Is Michell’ Keller And I Approve This Message
When (not if) I run for office my theme song will be Revolution by The Beatles. In fact, that will be my entire platform. When asked a question I will only refer to the genius song that is Revolution.
Reporter: Ms. Keller, what do you propose we do about the cost of gas?
Me: You say you want a revolution, well you know- we all want to change the world.
Reporter: How do you feel about drilling in Alaska?
Me: You tell me that it’s evolution. Well you know, we all want to change the world. But when you talk about destruction, don’t you know that you can count me out?
Reporter: What would you do about taxes?
Me: Don’t you it’s going to be alright?
Reporter: What is your stance on keeping gay marriage illegal?
Me: If you want money for minds that hate, all I can tell you brother is that you have to wait.
Me: DON’T YOU KNOW THAT IT’S GOING TO BE ALRIGHT? ALRIGHT!
How could I not get elected with that platform?
Ketchup: The Everyman Condiment
It’s no secret that ketchup has political aspirations. The way it markets itself as a condiment for roughly anything: fries, hamburgers, hot dogs. That arrogant son of a bitch is even claiming to be delicious on eggs. It is the condiment for Middle America- not too zesty nor spicy. It is just bland enough to be overlooked and, according to Ketchup, that is exactly what America needs. Can Ketchup be the thing that America is missing or will it simply be that the Mustard has gone bad and there is not another option except for Relish and no one really likes Relish.
So ask yourself, in 2012 do you want to stick with the condiment that isn’t living up to its promises and likely isn’t even from America? Or do you want a change for something far worse? The choice is yours, America. (Although the right choice is still Mustard) ((Always Mustard))*
Ketchup: The Everyman Condiment is a look at this upcoming election year through the eyes of condiments to make explaining our political system to your children even more confusing and yet astronomically more delicious.
*Ketchup is the Republican party and Mustard the Democratic party. You get that, right? Totes.
Free Coffee Town
Welcome to Free Coffee Town, where as the name suggests: The coffee is free! We are open to all residents, even the ones who prefer decaf. Our town elections are coming up and with the population growing like fair-trade coffee beans, I figured I better introduce myself. My name is John Starbucks, although I like to think of myself as more of a Pete’s coffee kind of guy in my political views. As mayor, I would make sure to live up to what has put our name on the map- keeping the coffee free! I know Charles Folgers has painted me as a puppet for the man but I’m so much more for than that. As you can see from my previous voting records, I voted for iced coffee summers! Right winged conservatives would never vote for iced coffee. All I’m saying is that I’m open to all types of coffee at the low, low price of zilch. Zero. Nada. Nothing. FREE! Don’t let the words of one sub-par coffee “enthusiast” soil my good name. I am the right person to run this town.
Voting day is November 2nd so please make sure to register and vote for me…and only me!
Free Coffee Town is the story of one town and their quest to elect the perfect person to keep their town running on caffeine. Will the politics of Washington keep them down? Part W. and part Bulworth this tale will leave you believing in the political system for the first time since the Clinton administration.