Tag Archives: Children’s Book
I Can’t Believe It Either, But It’s Been A Year Or I Did It, How Do You Like Them Apples?
One year ago I thought it might be fun to start a blog where I wrote terrible ideas for books and movies and TV shows and really anything that popped into my head every single day for a year. Yes, I had just watched Julie and Julia and thought it is probably a heck of a lot easier to blog every day than to make every recipe in Julia Child’s cookbook. And just like that a blog was born.
I thought at the time that this blog would be a way to escape, to run away from myself, to finally do something from start to finish. To be honest, I didn’t think I’d make it past a few weeks. Like much I do in life, I figured I’d get bored or second guess myself or flat out be too lazy to stick with it but for some odd reason I felt compelled to finish. After awhile I stopped thinking I was writing to run away from myself but realized I was writing to find myself. Yeah, I know how corny that sounds. It’s like this quote I love “One fish, Two fish, Red fish, Blue fish” wait that’s not the one it’s “with writing we get second chances”. That’s what this was for me- It was my second chance to do something for the first time: follow through. Now I know not every day was a readable entry but that wasn’t really the point now was it?
So thank you for sticking it out. Thank you for dropping by. Thank you for not posting incredibly disheartening comments forever condeming me to a life devoid of follow through and empty dreams. I’m not leaving this blog forever but I am leaving it for now. It served its purpose.
I’d love to be able to tell you that this was a stepping stone to that novel I have half written on my laptop or the play I have the ending written but nothing else. Truth is, I don’t know what’s next. I do know that there is something, somewhere that will also get finished. Maybe my play will finally get some rising action instead of just a killer finale. Maybe one of my Rejected Book Plots will get flushed out and become an Accepted Book Plot. Maybe I’ll start a new blog called Accepted Book Plots where every day I will tell you the plot of something that has already been published until the authors get mad and shut it down. Or maybe you’ll never see another word written by me again. Maybe you will.
I know this for certain: it has only just begun.
Thanks for the memories! Keep In Touch! Have a nice summer! It was so great having Bio with you! Stay Sweet! I’m the first one to sign in your crack!
Clifford The Big Red Dog Has a Thyroid Problem
“I know, Clifford but you are a pretty big, red dog. Maybe it is time to get checked out” said Emily Elizabeth in a reassuring tone only an optimistic eight year old can convey.
“But Emily Elizabeth, why do I have to go? I’ve been around since 1963 when Norma Bridwell first conceived me” Clifford said trying to talk his way out of the doctor’s appointment.
“I didn’t want to pull this card, but I do own you Clifford. Dogs haven’t been emancipated so you must do as I say” Emily Elizabeth jested.
“Yes, master” Clifford said obediently.
The next day Clifford and Emily Elizabeth go to the doctor.
“Well, Clifford- you are much too large for your size. It is a good thing you came in when you did. Let’s run some tests” said Doctor I Have A Degree From Harvard.
“Thank you, doctor” Emily Elizabeth said in a thanking tone.
“Is it cancer?” Clifford asked not knowing what cancer was other than it took the lives of his grandmother and distant aunt.
“Maybe” Doctor I Have A Degree From Harvard quipped.
Three days later the test results were in.
“It’s not cancer. But it is a thyroid issue” Doctor I Have A Degree From Harvard said looking at Clifford’s chart.
“Thank you, doctor” Emily Elizabeth said in a thanking tone.
The Lazy Day
Frosty the Snowman Deals with the Recession by Getting a Job at McDonalds…It Does Not Go Well
It looks like the recession has affected more than just Joe Six Pack. Now our beloved childhood characters are forced to go out into the real world looking for work. It seems there isn’t a lot of need for snow men what with Global Warming and people’s busy schedules, jolly snow building has been the first thing to go. All the sudden, Frosty has to find a new way to feed his family, so after much thought and torment, Frosty takes a job at his local McDonalds. Only thing he didn’t plan on was how much normal jobs call for opposable thumbs. Hi-jinx ensue!
The first in a long line of children’s tales dealing with the impact of the recession Frosty the Snowman Deals with the Recession by Getting a Job at McDonalds…It Does Not Go Well shows kids that Christmas is about more than presents but also, a lot about presents. With singing too!
Kindergarten me wrote this for (insert your age bracket now) you. I don’t remember who David Ramsey is but he seems to be one heck of an illustrator. Also, Tess- this book is still for you. In addition, I never made it on Star Search.
The book reads as such: I hope to be on Star Search when I am 7. I want to show them my bike tricks. It would be fun! THE END.
Ketchup: The Everyman Condiment
It’s no secret that ketchup has political aspirations. The way it markets itself as a condiment for roughly anything: fries, hamburgers, hot dogs. That arrogant son of a bitch is even claiming to be delicious on eggs. It is the condiment for Middle America- not too zesty nor spicy. It is just bland enough to be overlooked and, according to Ketchup, that is exactly what America needs. Can Ketchup be the thing that America is missing or will it simply be that the Mustard has gone bad and there is not another option except for Relish and no one really likes Relish.
So ask yourself, in 2012 do you want to stick with the condiment that isn’t living up to its promises and likely isn’t even from America? Or do you want a change for something far worse? The choice is yours, America. (Although the right choice is still Mustard) ((Always Mustard))*
Ketchup: The Everyman Condiment is a look at this upcoming election year through the eyes of condiments to make explaining our political system to your children even more confusing and yet astronomically more delicious.
*Ketchup is the Republican party and Mustard the Democratic party. You get that, right? Totes.
200 Days of Blogging (Mostly) For Your Enjoyment
It has been 200 days, faithful readers. Yeah, I’ll admit it- I didn’t think it would last this long either but here we are. So as any good blog should do, instead of writing new material I’m just going to give you a chance to read all the other GREAT posts and yeah, the fairly terrible ones too. Enjoy! or don’t! but do! cause there are a lot of posts about robots and dinosaurs.
- ALWAYS PRE-APPROVED, NEVER APPROVED.
- CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF, ALIENS DON’T UNDERSTAND MATH: THE PUTTY STORY
- ABE LINCOLN: HERO OR HAT ENTHUSIAST?
- MAMBO IS FOR MURDER
- SUBURBAN PNEUMONIA
- MY YEAR WITH WHITESNAKE
- MY LIFE: A NEW MUSICAL: IN THE KEY OF AWESOME
- VHS STORY
- ALEX TREBEC? MORE LIKE ALEX TREDOUCHE.
- MICHELL’ KELLER AND THE TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, NO GOOD, VERY BAD DAY
- IS VIOLENCE WRONG IF IT IS TOTALLY JUSTIFIED?
- WINNING, DUH.
- SATURDAY MORNING CARTOONS
- (WHITE) ((FEMALE)) RAPPER’S LAMENT*
- BALD EAGLE SPEAKS OUT IN SUPPORT OF GAY MARRIAGE DURING FREEDOM WEEK AT GEORGE H.W. BUSH ELEMENTARY SCHOOL
- BIT MITTLER: FABULIST
- THE HILLS ARE ALIVE WITH THE SOUND OF MUSIC: A FIRST HAND ACCOUNT OF THE HORRORS OF LIVING BY A SINGING HILL
- THE CANDY MAN CAN’T
- EITHER MY APARTMENT IS HAUNTED OR I’M TOTALLY STONED
- THE SLIGHTLY LESS CURIOUS CASE OF REVERSE BEN BUTTONISM
- OVARIES BEFORE BROVARIES
- YOU MAY NOT KNOW IT, BUT WE’RE IN A FIGHT: TALES FROM YOUR PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE FRIEND
- EGGCELENT: PETER COTTONTAIL’S FIRST EASTER
- WHY DON’T WE DO IT IN THE ROAD? …I CAN THINK OF ABOUT 1000 REASONS WHY NOT.
- IF YOU HAD TO CHOOSE: A THESIS ON THE PERILS OF MEANINGLESS CHOICES AND JUST HOW MUCH INFLUENCES THESE CHOICES HAVE ON OUR MORAL DEVELOPMENT
- TRUMP FOR PRESIDENT!… AND OTHER REASONS NOT-AMERICA HATES AMERICA
- PRESENT ME WANTS TO SLAP FUTURE YOU
- THE ROYAL WEDDING: AMERICA EDITION
- WE BOTH LIVE HERE AND I’M DOING ALL THE WORK: AN OPEN LETTER TO MY CAT
- MY ALLERGIES ARE TRYING TO KILL ME…AND NOT SOFTLY.
- TALES FROM A DEPRESSED, ANTHROPOMORPHIZED HIPPO
- I WOULD LIKE TO THANK THE ACADEMY…
- MOBSTERS OF FOLK: DANGEROUSLY CHILL
- JANET: UPSIDE-DOWN
- WOULD IT BE WEIRD IF I WANTED TO STEAL THAT KID AND RAISE HIM AS MY OWN? …AND OTHER REASONS I’M SUPPRESSING MY BIOLOGICAL CLOCK.
- SANTA CLAUS
- MAMA WHO BORE ME
- A DAY WITH MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
- THERE IS SUCH A THING AS A STUPID QUESTION.
- DON’T PANIC
- WRITERS BLOCK
- MRS. BIGGINS SPEAKS OUT AGAINST NECROPHILIA THROUGH VAMPIRE OBSESSION.
- ATTACK OF THE KILLER BOREDOM
- WHO YA GONNA CALL? …MY MOM!
- MAKE LIKE A TREE AND GET OUT OF HERE: THE BIFF TANNEN STORY.
- THE FIVE YEAR EPIPHANY
- GLITCH IN THE MATRIX: PREGNANT EDITION
- NON-CONFRONTATIONAL MAN
- I CAN DO THAT!
- ONE BUG’S LIFE
- THE LAST PLACE YOU LOOK.
- IF I HAD $1,000,000…
- NOT PATRICK SWAYZE
- 99 PROBLEMS: THE RAY-Z STORY
- SAVED BY THE BELL: THE MIDDLE AGED YEARS
- IS IT CONSIDERED MURDER IF I GO BACK IN TIME AND KEEP YOU FROM BEING BORN? (ASKING FOR A FRIEND)
- FRANKLIN THE FEATHER
- FIGHT FOR YOUR RIGHT TO PARTY
- SGFSWAGASJAMLI: SUPPORT GROUP FOR SUPERHERO WIVES AND GIRLFRIENDS AND SOMETIMES JUST A MINOR LOVE INTEREST
- HOMEWARD BOUND: THE INCREDIBLE MUSICAL JOURNEY
- WILL YOU GO PEE FOR ME?
- THE END OF THE BEGINNING.
- 10,000 NIGHTS: A LIGHTNING’S LOVE LETTER TO THUNDER
- ADULTERY AND BASTARD CHILDREN: AN AMERICAN PASTIME
- THE WIZARD OF ODD
- AN OPEN LOVE LETTER TO FOX NEWS FROM THE SIDE OF ME THAT LOVES WATCHING YOU FAIL
- E! TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORY: THE CALIFORNIA RAISINS
- COME BACK TO TEXAS: NBA FINALS EDITION
- THE PERFECT SPACE*
- ANNIE 2: LOST IN LONDON
- ELMO AFTER DARK: YOU! ME! DANCING!
- THE MANY ANNOYANCES OF CALLIOPE JONES
- IF MY HEART WERE A HOUSE, YOU’D BE HOME
- MAD LIBS: Rejected Book Plot Edition
- WALKING IN LOS ANGELES
- SUMMER OF 2169
- YOU CAN’T SPELL FATHER WITHOUT HAT…IF YOU REARRANGE THE LETTERS…
- THE OFTEN UNIQUE AND RARELY EFFECTIVE TEACHINGS OF MR. JONES
- BRAD AND JANET GO TO COUPLES THERAPY: SESSION 1
- THE ADVENTURES OF SPEEDY THE SECOND AND GLADYS THE IPOD
- GRANDMA AND GRANDPA GIVE THEIR GRANDCHILDREN CONFUSING ADVICE THROUGH OLD TIMEY SONGS
- WORKING FOR THE WEEKEND
- STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS
- FRANKENSTEIN GOES TO THE PROM
- WOLVERINE BOY
- STUTTER ISLAND
- THE GIRL WITH THE OVERDRAFT BANK ACCOUNT
- LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE: JULY, JULY!
- CHRISTOPHER ROBIN EXPLAINS THE RECESSION TO EVERYONE IN THE HUNDRED ACRE WOODS
- LOST: OCEANIC FLIGHT 815: THE ORIGIN STORY
- THOMAS JEFFERSON’S WIFE LECTURES HIM FOR HAVING SMALL HANDWRITING
- Gay Marriage Will Lead To Classic Songs Being Re-imagined For Same Gender Affections: A Republican’s Fear
- DIM DEMOLISHING DEXTER
- THE ARIZONA HABOOB DEFENDS ITSELF TO ANGRY COMMUNITIES
- SHE-HULK: PMS EDITION
- REJECTED BOOK PLOTS: THE CLIP SHOW EDITION
- BILLY THE COMEBACK KID
- MONDAY MORNING
- SAM BEGS TO BE TAKEN HOME: A MODERN LOVE STORY
- BEETLEJUICE ORIGINS: BARBARA AND ADAM MAITLAND
- TV’S SADDEST AND/OR MOST SHOCKING DEATHS VOL. 1
- BATMAN: THE MUSICAL!
- O SISTER, WHERE ART THOU?
- USA VS JAPAN: SOCCER EDITION
- NOTHING EVER HAPPENS ON MARS 2
- MURDER ON THE 3RD FLOOR
- REFLECTION DAY
- ALBERT’S ABYSS
- THE NEVER NEVERENDING STORY
- THE BALLAD OF LOVE AND HATE
- IN ANOTHER LIFE, WHEN WE’RE BOTH CATS
- FOREVER 27 CLUB
- THE DAY THE MUSIC DIED…
- KISS QUICK: THE UNTOLD AURORA TALE
- YEAH, I’M IN LOVE WITH AN ANDROID
- LIKE A BOSS
- LOOK WHO’S TALKING…AGAIN
- WEED CARD
- SWEET VALLEY HAPPY DAYS
- DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES: YOUNGER EDITION
- ANGELS IN THE BACKCOURT
- PETER PAN THEORY: AND OTHER WAYS TO NEVER GROW UP
- YOU AND ME: THE PEANUT BUTTER AND CHOCOLATE STORY
- JOSEPHINE: MY TRANSGENDERED NEIGHBOR
- SKINNY LOVE: CONFESSIONS OF AN OVERWEIGHT DRAMA QUEEN
- MY GRANDMOTHER, THE RECOVERING ALCOHOLIC, WATCHING AN EPISODE OF CHEERS
- THEME SONGS FOR SPIN-OFF CHARACTERS FROM ENSEMBLE SHOWS VOL. 1
- DANCE ‘TILL THE MORNING LIGHT
- MY INAPPROPRIATE LOVE LETTER TO ZACH BRAFF
- I’m going to be honest with you dearest internet, this is how my apartment looks at the moment
- MY BMF IS WAY BETTER THAN YOUR BFF: BIRTHDAY EDITION
- COCOON 3: DIRTY DANCING EDITION
- DON’T PANIC: UP IN THE AIR EDITION
- GOB: Life After Arrested Development
- KICK DRUM HEART
- AN OPEN LETTER TO JOEY POTTER SEASON ONE: BE LESS RUDE
- FREE WILLY 4: EUTHANASIA EDITION
- ROBOT PARADE
- HELLO, SUNSHINE
- KING OF THE WORLD
- NEW YORK I LOVE YOU, BUT YOU’RE BRINGING ME DOWN
- I HOPE THAT SOMETHING BETTER COMES ALONG
- OVERPOPULATION, UNDER-ORGAN GROWTH
- HUMPTY DUMPTY: THE WONDER YEARS
- YOU CALL THAT A HURRICANE?
- THE HUNGRY GAMES
- PEN PALS
- BUDDY HOLLY, I LOVE YOU
- TWO DOLLARS
- FREE COFFEE TOWN
- LABOR DAY
- OWL’S WELL THAT ENDS WELL
- BACK TO THE NINTENDO
- THAT GUY
- KERMIT GOES TO THE DOCTOR
- DEARLY DEVIOUS DEX DEVOURS DAVID
- NEVER FORGET
- DEBBIE DOWNER GOES TO CHRISTMAS DINNER
- GOOD MORNING, COFFEE POT
- ENTOURAGE: THE FINAL FINALITY UNTIL THE INEVITABLE MOVIE: TURTLE EDITION
- NO SLEEP FOR YOU! TALES FROM THE SOUP NAZI’S BROTHER: SLEEP NAZI
- ROBOTS NEED LOVE TOO
- KAREN OR THE GIRL WHO WOULD ALWAYS COMPARE HER PEE TIMES TO MOVIES
- TIME’S UP
- LAST CHANCE
- LET’S GO TO THE MALL: BLACK FRIDAY EDITION
- DEAR PRUDENCE: THE FIRST DRAFT
- JUNO: THE ORIGINAL TEEN MOM (BUT LIKE AN IRONIC VERSION)
- HOTEL NÚMERO UNO
- MR. HOPE: THE ANXIETY FILLED HIPPO
- THE INDIE QUEENS ARE WAITING
- EXTREMELY LOUD AND INCREDIBLY CLOSE 2: STILL LOUD. STILL CLOSE.
- JURASSIC PARK 4: EVERYTHING IS COOL NOW, I SWEARZIES
- MAD (WO)MAN
- A LESS HEARTBREAKING WORK OF EXAGGERATED GENIUS
- FOREVER COLLEGE
- SAY ANYTHING 2
- CAPTAIN OBVIOUS: VOLUME 1
- PAN AM
- THE ENLIGHTENED
- RIP PLAYBOY CLUB
- GEORGE THE GEICO GECKO
- THE GIVING TREE GOES TO HAPPY HOUR, HAS ONE TOO MANY AND LET’S THE OTHER TREES KNOW WHAT’S ON HIS MIND
- THERE’S ALWAYS MONEY IN THE BANANA STAND
- FEMALES: THE ORIGINAL WEREWOLVES
- MEET THE HANKS’
- COMFORTABLE SILENCE
- DEXTER: THE CHILDREN’S BOOK
- THE SADNESS PARADOX
- THE (NOT SO) LITTLE RASCALS
- A PACK OF LIONS WATCH THE LION KING 3D ONLY TO REALIZE HOW UNREALISTIC IT IS… IN 2D