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There is only one week left on my Julie and Julia blogging venture and it is giving me a strong writer’s block. I want to end this year strong so I’m psyching myself out. But who am I kidding, of course my last week will be epic- the rest of the year has been. Also, you’d think if after a year of putting myself out there and letting myself be venerable and stupid for tens of people I’d be more humble…
Rejected Book Plot’s 350th Episode!
Abe or Abrahat, as his friends used to call him, loved many things: sketching, black women, the theatre but none more than his collection of hats.
Tom: Can you believe what an asshole I was five years ago? I would refer to myself as “a quarter of a century”.
When Al Qaeda declared laughing a sin against Allah, America couldn’t just sit idly by. We sent a lot of good men to die in that war… of laughter. Being the class clown Jack couldn’t just let this injustice slide without fighting, comedy was in his blood and his blood ran red, white and blue. Against the pleas of his wife, Jack enlisted to fight in the great War on Hilarity.
Based in part on the hit young adult novel,THE HUNGER GAMES, contestants will be pitted against each other where the steaks (Wordplay!) are life and death. Each week, 12 chefs will have three hours to go into the woods to collect their food and come back to the Food Network test kitchen to prepare their newly caught ingredients for the Capitol judges.
They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. I’ve always said, you forgot to account for salminilla, the way to his heart is through his ears. And just like that- Mix Tape Girl was born!
**To be fair, I randomly picked five old blogs, highlighted random parts, hyperlinked edgy words to plots I didn’t even take the quote from and called it a look back at some of its “greater” moments. But it didn’t turn out as bad this post. You’re welcome, America.**
I Can’t Stay Away
So my year of terrible book plots is coming to a close very soon. The thought of this has filled me with great anxiety so today I thought I would try to go one day without posting something to make sure I wasn’t addicted… I am.
This is all I could think about today: you didn’t blog. What the what?!?! I couldn’t go one day without posting some ridiculous thought online.
Should be an interesting month.
True Life: Anxiety is Legit
I don’t want to brag or anything but I had such bad anxiety yesterday that I spent 45 minutes of my lunch sitting in my car, under a tree, half a block away from my branch, crying. Just sobbing uncontrollably. For no reason other than someone made an off-handed comment to me that sparked my insecurities and within minutes the walls caved in around me. There was nothing I could do to stop it. Thank God for Xanax otherwise I don’t think I would have made it to lunch to start the sobbing.
All I’m saying is, anxiety is normal. I know it feels like it isn’t. I know you’d do anything to be happy if you could If you feel like there is this impending doom, you’re not alone. Don’t hate yourself for it, that will only make the spiraling worse. Just breathe as best as possible, cry if have to and know that while the walls feel like that are caving in- they won’t actually kill you. The feeling will pass. And to your surprise, you might realize people care more about you than you ever thought. Although at the time you may feel like it is taking everything you have to just remember to breathe, it feels kind of great to have your coworkers ask you what is wrong. And while you’re lying through your teeth and telling them everything is great, the ones you care about will know otherwise. I don’t know why, but it’ll help.
If no one notices, I will. We can talk. You’ll be okay, especially if you feel like you won’t. Tomorrow will come, unless an asteroid is hurling its way towards Earth that feeling of impending doom is (mostly) a lie. Keep breathing . If I can make it until lunch before I start the sobbing, you can too! We’re all in this together.
You aren’t alone.
Guys, yesterday I wore two different shoes to work. Not like the same shoe, two different colors but like flat out different shoes. The heel height was even different. This isn’t the worst thing! At 3:30 one of my coworkers asked me if I was wearing two different shoes. Thinking she was kidding I insisted I wasn’t until I looked down. So not only am I wearing two different shoes but I went almost my entire shift without realizing I was walking funny due to opposite shoes and had to have a coworker point it out.
Needless to say, I need a break. I have to work today but I’ll sleep after work.
Really long story short: the lack of sleep is making me stupid so I’m not going to be blogging today. Sorry? It might be for the best.
Sunday UnFun Day
This Sunday is not a Fun day.
We’ve suffered a loss, to my dismay.
Whitney Houston is no more.
The world of music became a bore.
Rest in Peace you music diva,
I will always love you and never leave ya.
Tags: Whitney Houston
Capital One, The Credit Card Rapist
Dear Capital One,
I hate your stinking guts. You’re scum between my toes. You make me want to vomit.
Maybe when a person pays off their credit card don’t mysterious charge it and rack up a ton of fees and interest on a card the owner doesn’t even know exists and then harass her for a week calling four times a day. Then when you do finally get a hold of the customer don’t lock them out of their account online so they can’t figure out what the hell is going on. And certainly don’t treat the customer like a criminal and tell them that they have another 300 left on the card when it was paid in full three months ago. Not a chance in hell do I owe you another $300 when the card was paid off in November. Go fuck yourself, Capital One. And take your terrible, interest-raping card with you.