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Rejected Book Plots

Not every book can be the next Twilight

My BMF Is WAY Better Than Your BFF: Birthday Edition

BMFs can be many things: Best Movie Friends, Bad Mother F*ckers even Best Musical Friends. In my case, I have all three. What is your BFF? Best friends forever? How many of those have you had in your life?!? I think you need to reevaluate your version of forever. I have only had one BMF and that’s all there will ever be. She’s pretty radtastic (so great I had to make up a word to describe her). Seriously, this is an actual conversation we had the other day: . I bet you and you BFF fight over which character from a musical you want to be. I bet you both want to be Glinda. Am I right?!? Well not my BMF and I, without a word ever spoken, What is this feeling? comes on and she is Glinda to my Elphaba. And it isn’t just Wicked either, literally it’s every musical- there is an unspoken agreement as to which characters we will be. That’s friendship! When was the last time you solved a murder by piecing together a puzzle with your BFF? Never you say? Well that’s shame! My BMF and I routinely pick up a murder mystery puzzle and make a night of it. What do you call day drinking wine with your BFF? If it isn’t “Getting Classy” then I win that round too. Can you randomly work song lyrics into every day conversation and have your BFF stop what they are doing and start singing? Do you actively make a game out of trying to get her to sing things? I do! I don’t stop believing and I just turn around, bright eyes and tune out everything else and just go for it (that’s three in one sentence, if you were counting.) All I’m saying is My BMF Is WAY Better Than Your BFF: Birthday Edition. Is your BFF’s birthday today? Well MY BMF’s birthday is today! She’s funny and smart and caring and giving and creative and can look at a picture of anything and draw it (which is actually a little annoying but only because I envy her talent, although she lets me utilize it when I need a drawing done that isn’t a robot). Did you see Bridesmaids? Of course you did. You know where Kristen Wiig was having a “toast off” and they were saying they could have an entire conversation with a look- well that’s us, but not in the situational comedy way of Bridesmaids, although sometimes in that way. She’s pretty much the bee’s knees. I highly recommend you upgrade to a BMF, every girl deserves to have someone who will take a road trip with you and then help you go through your glove compartment (it does have gloves along with every insurance card ever and a hand full of napkins from Chipotle) to find your registration and proof of insurance when you are far too busy car dancing to notice the cop who takes five minutes to decide to pull you over and then lectures you that speed limits are not merely a suggestion only to have your BMF try to sneak a picture of the cop writing the warning ticket to later post a picture to Facebook (even if they don’t get the picture, it will still be a funny story to tell later).

Happy birthday, BMF! Like Fireworks! (If you had your own BMF you’d know what that meant). I could spend the rest of the day, nay, week!, thinking of words to describe why you’re better than any BFF anywhere but I do have the rest of our lives (at the very least 18 years) to get them all out and so as to not overwhelm you with fantasticalness on this day of birth I will leave you with these instead: there is no one I’d rather see Matt Nathanson with and thanks to part one of your present I don’t have to! (P.S. that second ticket is for me). Also, thank you for FINALLY joining that Quarter of a Century Club, I was feeling pret-ty old.

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