July 9, 2011 Rejected Book Plot #100
Rejected Book Plots: The Clip Show Edition
It has been 100 days, 100 stories- so like any good show it is time to relive the somewhat best of the not worst in this Rejected Book Plots: The Clip Show Edition.
ABE LINCOLN: HERO OR HAT ENTHUSIAST?
Abe Lincoln was more than your 16th President, he was a true Maverick. Abe or Abrahat, as his friends used to call him, loved many things: sketching, black women, the theatre but none more than his collection of hats. Abraham used to say, “You can tell a lot about a man by the size of his hat.”
SAVED BY THE BELL: THE MIDDLE AGED YEARS
Zack and Kelly were Gen X’s JFK and Jackie O, but what happened when the cameras stopped rolling and the Hawaiian vacations became fewer and farther between? Would Zack be able provide for his growing family where the only experience he has was placing bets how badly Valley would lose or being a desk clerk at a beach resort? When the cell phone bills become too much, will Kelly threaten to leave Zack for the college professor? There are so many questions that have to be answered, like why couldn’t Zack talk Screech out of making a sex tape?
WHY DON’T WE DO IT IN THE ROAD? …I CAN THINK OF ABOUT 1000 REASONS WHY NOT.
3. ROADS ARE DIRTY WHETHER ASPHALT OR DIRT OR BRICK OR YELLOW OR LONG AND WINDING OR REVOLUTIONARY
5. ROCKS CAN GET IN CREVICES…UNCOMFORTABLE CREVICES
19. IF IT IS A FULL MOON THIS WILL NOT BE THE REASON I GET BIT AND TURN INTO TEEN WOLF!!
23. YOU KNOW I LIKE A SOUNDTRACK, WILL WE BE USING A BOOMBOX? WE HAVE TO GET BATTERIES FOR THAT
29. I HAVE A HEADACHE
IF MY HEART WERE A HOUSE, YOU’D BE HOME
When Al Qaeda declared laughing a sin against Allah, America couldn’t just sit idly by. We sent a lot of good men to die in that war… of laughter. Being the class clown Jack couldn’t just let this injustice slide without fighting, comedy was in his blood and his blood ran red, white and blue. Against the pleas of his wife, Jack enlisted to fight in the great War on Hilarity.
AN OPEN LOVE LETTER TO FOX NEWS FROM THE SIDE OF ME THAT LOVES WATCHING YOU FAIL
Well Fox News, I hate to be the one to contradict you but that is Tina Fey NOT Sarah Palin. I know it is hard, telling the difference between a comedian playing a politician and the politician you actually employ as a correspondent for you-NO ONE IS JUDGING YOU FOX NEWS! I’m just a girl, standing in front of my television, professing my love for your news station.
MAKE LIKE A TREE AND GET OUT OF HERE: THE BIFF TANNEN STORY.
Take a journey through time as Biff transforms from a scared little boy into the most feared man in Hill Valley. The Biff Tannen story is one that will make you want to get up to 88 MPH and go back in time to save Biff’s mother from overdosing on cocaine to keep the Tannen family together. Let’s make like a banana and leave this book open for all to read.
ALEX TREBEC? MORE LIKE ALEX TREDOUCHE.
When Alex was young his father would call him “champ”, ultimately giving Alex a false sense of self. Because of this, throughout his life Alex always had an air of superiority. When he was in school he would tease the other children telling them, “Jimmy Bo Bimmy head as big as…What is your mother’s vagina.”
EITHER MY APARTMENT IS HAUNTED OR I’M TOTALLY STONED
I’m all, YOU CAN’T TAKE OVER THIS BODY PATRICK SWAYZE! I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE POTTERY. OR DRIVE BIG TRUCKS. PEOPLE PUT ME IN CORNERS ALL THE TIME! BE GONE!!
I swearzies, this apartment is super haunted… or I’m really high.
SGFSWAGASJAMLI: SUPPORT GROUP FOR SUPERHERO WIVES AND GIRLFRIENDS AND SOMETIMES JUST A MINOR LOVE INTEREST
I know what you mean, Mary Jane! Bruce was in his lair with Robin for most of the night. I’m starting to suspect something fishy here. No grown men should spend that much time together in tights playing with toys.
Most of our men aren’t even human, Rachel. You should be happy your superhero is just a billionaire with a God-complex. The rest of us ladies have the added burden of being with non-human or altered-human heroes. This is the responsibility we all share, that and recipes for cornbread casserole.
TALES FROM A DEPRESSED, ANTHROPOMORPHIZED HIPPO
“DEPRESSION IS LIKE HERPES, SURE YOU CAN HAVE SYMPTOM-FREE DAYS BUT A FLARE UP IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER”
BRAD AND JANET GO TO COUPLES THERAPY: SESSION 1
Join Dr. Stockett as she delves deep into Brad and Janet’s emotional issues and helps them work out whether or not they can make it after so much Touch-a, Touch-a, Touch-ing other people. Can these two take a Time Warp back to a time when they were happy? Will the emotional scars of that night be too much? What Ever Happened to Saturday Night?
THE END OF THE BEGINNING.
Join Dr. Jack Spallsac as he speculates what went on in the minds of these dinosaur families before the giant astroid wiped them off this dying Earth. (It should be noted that Dr. Jack Spallsac is a doctor in the same way Dr. Pepper is a doctor, which is to say not at all. He also thinks Jurassic Park is an autobiographical film that the government labeled fiction to protect itself from any potential lawsuits. He is in no way an expert. His mother would beg to differ.)
To read more, click on the links or the”Old(er) Stuff” section to the right. Join me daily for a new post of ridiculousness.