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Rejected Book Plots

Not every book can be the next Twilight

I would like to thank the academy…

Tony Award nominations were announced this morning so I’d like to take a moment to reveal my top ten opening lines to my inevitable acceptance speech on the good ol’ B’way. Speaking as a person who has won her fair share of fake awards in her mirror, I think I know a thing or two about writing the perfect acceptance speech:

  1. I believe this moment can best be summed up by 4-year-old me upon opening up Cinderella on VHS for Christmas “I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!” (This is a true story. What a little brat. I would like to take this moment to thank my uncle for the VHS, I seemed to neglect that with all the gloating I was doing)
  2. Everyone says it’s an honor just to be nominated, they’re lying losing sucks- winning rules! (We were all thinking it)
  3. This is kind of a double-edged sword for me, on one hand- TONY! on the other I just bet Neal Patrick Harris $1000 I’d lose. (false humility always kills at award shows)
  4. How ’bout them Jets? (I have no idea why I’d open with that, maybe if it were topical like they just made a really good trade for a new pitcher)((That was a joke, I know they play football))(((You can pretend to win Tony’s in your room and still know about sports)))
  5. I give Lin Manuel Miranda’s acceptance speech exactly. (For realzies, how good is this speech?)
  6. Well, the better person won today. Am I right? (I would never work again)
  7. USA! USA! USA! USA! (It’ll be in NY, patriotic is always a good choice)
  8. I know what you’re thinking, when did Ellen Page find the time to come and give an award-winning performance with such a busy movie schedule? She didn’t. We’re different people. (I look like Ellen Page, that was the joke)
  9. This is for you ma. I mean, I’ll keep it at my house so this is metaphorically for you. (The perfect combination of sweet and honest)
  10. *Get on stage, take a moment to realize the enormity of the situation and just vomit* say thank you and goodnight *walk off stage.* (This is probably the most realistic. How do you not vomit in front of Broadway’s legends?)
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